My Last Journal Entry
by sctwilightvampwolfgal
Summary: I'm not the sort of person that just writes letters like this, but even if no one reads it, I must write it down in the hope that someone will pick it up from my neat stack of journal entries and read this entry that I wrote out today.


I'm not one to write a note like this at all, really.

I just can't get the feeling out of my head of thinking that this is the end; I've felt others slowly forget about me, felt the sting when my color was renamed, and felt the broken shards of my heart when those that know me, forget little by little how awesome I am.

I just wanted to say in case I'm right that I just had one of the most awesome days ever; Lovino had agreed to go out to dinner with me.

It was probably out of something other than desire to go out with me, but I felt more than happy to know that we had this chance before the end of my time.

I told him of so much of my childhood, and he actually listened; he seemed to care about it.

I feel like an old man with the reminiscing and the aches and pains that have gotten worse lately, but he didn't treat me like I was.

He even kissed me after our little date.

I'd been kissed before, but nothing compared to the sizzle of his tongue in my mouth or the taste of pizza, tomatoes, and pasta that clung to his tongue.

I never knew how much I could crave Italian food until I kissed Southern Italy, and I didn't ever expect it to feel like it did as I'm no sap, not really.

I just want to tell him that I did care for whatever little time we had left to figure things out, and I hope that he won't forget me when finally I can't just go up and talk to him and prove to him how awesome I really am.

I worry sometimes though I've never told West or Elizabeta or anyone really that I sometimes worry that when finally the last person forgets about my reign, forgets about me entirely, that they'll forget too.

I hate waking up and wondering if West forgot who I am today or if Elizabeta forgot our childhood together or now if Lovino forgets our date.

I've already told Antonio to take care of him for me and had Francis promise to not start another war with West ever again.

I am not looking forward to the day that I see them fall like I've fallen; I just wish that I could be around to make their long lives less dull and to watch over them.

Perhaps there is some reason why Francis wants to be everyone's big brother despite his often misunderstood intentions.

I wonder if when I'm gone, only those closest to me will know, or whether finally it will be like I've never existed, as if they'd never known the Kingdom of Prussia.

I've sometimes had nightmares that they'd forget and yet I remember some of those dreams had them remember me, but finally admit that they'd hated me.

I wonder if West knows that it's getting time for me to go or if Lovino only kissed me out of the pity of knowing that it will be my last week; I like to think that neither of them knew as if they did, I'd just be something to pity yet again.

It's odd to think that those that are older than me have been given the chance to live much longer than me; China's still around though I don't wish this waiting game and the heartbreak that it causes on anyone, ever.

I don't really know if anyone will read this or if it will be stored away as some final remnant of my life like all of my journals stacked so neatly, and I guess this is just another entry in one that may, like them, go ignored.

I like to pretend sometimes when dying hurts too much that someone can hear me when I write down another entry on another day, that perhaps it is Elizabeta that listens and reprimands my 'stupid' remarks or may be West reads the happy times and smiles with me.

When I'm really desperate, I imagine that Lovino cared about me then and listened so eagerly for every word as if he cried with me when I spoke of the not so awesome times and that he smiled or laughed with me during the much better times.

I know that I shouldn't imagine things like that as it will only hurt me more yet I can't help but think of it even if it's just a little bit of comfort for the dying.

I wonder if Lovino truly cared before today, whether he knew that I'd liked him as so much more than Feli's brother for quite some time now.

In that regard, I guess I am very lucky; everyone who I'd fallen for, let me in even for just a little while, and loved me just enough to be by my side for as long as we ever got.

I'd known Elizabeta's lips, fresh from battle with their own bloodstains, and I'd gotten a chance to see her as someone so very wonderful in that amount of time and every year after that.

I knew though that I'd lost her when she'd married Roderich, and so I gave her up; she deserved someone anyway that could tell her that she's beautiful and be there for her.

Even with their divorce, I saw how they still loved each other; I didn't mind too much seeing her smile and just being her best friend when I realized how truly happy she was.

I still wanted to just annoy Roderich for taking her away from me though never scare him away as I never wanted to see heartbreak in her beautiful green eyes.

I did move on and perhaps I did so too slowly; I knew when I liked Lovino fairly early on.

He's fun to be around, because he doesn't care to just play by the rules; he's reckless and a bit of a free spirit.

Lovino's so much younger than me though, and I know that I never could provide for him what Antonio could; Antonio knows everything that you could learn about Lovino even if sometimes he misses the obvious signs.

He's also a better man for marriage; I've never been the settling down type or at least not the normal one to settle down that way.

I do care more than anything, and that's probably why even though I've accepted others taking my place that I still tend to love them more than anything and worry over them.

I've never been as reckless in that way as one might expect.

I'm glad that there are people who can take my place and ease the heavy aches in others' hearts when finally I won't be here anymore.

I hope that whoever reads this letter that they don't think of my confessions as simply a way to deal with the heartbreak as I'd rather just let them know that I did love them with all of my heart and yet I've loved them enough to let them go for their own happiness.

I remember years of bloodshed fought on the battlefield, watching my friends' armies fall by my hand, and yet the days when I fought by their side for the justice that we sought.

I hope that it wasn't all in vain though some days it feels that way as more and more people forget and as finally, the wars become just old, interwoven memories, all blurred together.

I know that it feels like I should have done more than just try to be a strong, military backed nation; I know that I missed the little things, moments with Ludwig, Holy Rome, my grandfather, all lost to the battlefields that I'd clung to as if they were my last hope.

I hope West understands though if I were him, I'd never forgive me; I'd given up so much time just for the blood thirst of battle instead of spending time with those that I love.

I had begun to think a while ago that may be I'd have married Elizabeta instead of Roderich doing so in my place if I'd stopped being distracted by war and stopped seeing her first queen as a leader of her country as an easy win against her.

She'd always been stronger than me though I've never cared to tell her until now.

I guess that I'd kept my fair share of secrets, mostly locked behind a mask of awesomeness.

I never told my brother that he made me proud, that I'd realized that he was much stronger than me, much braver than me, and definitely a lot better man than I'd ever been.

I hope that he'll get more love than I did, that he'll be given a chance to marry the one he loves, more than just in a political union.

I'm sure that will be much easier politically once I'm gone though probably not easy on him, caring too much is a family trait, I guess.

Grandpa had it, so did Holy Rome.

I doubt Ludwig knows all of that; I wish that I'd spent more time telling him about them and about how absolutely awesome they were in and outside of the battlefield.

I didn't tell him as much family history as I should of; he'd been so young, still was, and I hadn't taken the opportunity to do as I should.

I think so much more of the things that I'd never done now that I know that I'm disappearing; I wonder if anyone else thought of it this way.

I should cut my journal entry short though as my wrist is unawesomely sore now from writing so much; I wish you all well.

Ich liebe sie.

I hope that you'll live longer than me and that we'll see each other one day again, some way, somehow.

Auf Wiedersehen, everyone.


End file.
